It can be hard to revisit prolonged painful events in our lives… but it can also be healing. In sharing our stories, our pain has the potential to help someone else. And there is so much hope in that. I don’t really know where to start or how to make a long story short. So bear with me, because I’ve never been great at giving a spark notes version to any story.

How I Became Addicted to Steroids Unknowingly

 It all started when I purchased what I thought to be a basic face cream at a cosmetics store like millions of ordinary people do every singe day. It was called Mario Badescu control cream. It worked like a dream, but turned into the biggest nightmare.

I began using it everyday as the label stated it could be used as a regular moisturizer. So with wool pulled over my eyes of it containing (undisclosed) harmful ingredients, I used this product for 4 years, day and night. It wasn’t until 7 years later that I would find out that this company who was posing as “botanically based,” had illegally and deceitfully added two medical grade steroids into this product. The steroids were not listed on the ingredient list, nor would it be legal to be as it is commonly known that medical grade steroids at this level of potency are only to be used as prescribed by a physician, for a limited amount of time (usually around 7-10 days). Never in a million years did I think a company would do this or that it would be possible for a company to put in harmful ingredients such as steroids without the FDA or consumer being aware, or without repercussion. 

(Click here to learn more about the lack of FDA regulations on personal care products). 

Soon after using this product, my skin “became extremely sensitive” and would react to any other product I would try. Prior to using this, I loved trying different kinds of products and never reacted to a single one. Within a month of using this “miracle cream,” I couldn’t use anything else. I became married to one product and had no idea it was wreaking havoc on my skin and eventually my overall health.

Like with any steroid, my skin and body became dependent. Anything that you use topically on your skin, enters the bloodstream and therefore can have an affect on your entire system. After years of using this cream, my health was steadily declining. My skin was reacting, strange rashes were popping up on my face, then my neck, arms, back, and hands. My eyes began to swell and drain periodically. I had severe brain fog, an overall feeling of exhaustion, and my adrenal glands were not functioning properly. Doctors were puzzled and didn’t know why (steroids affects adrenals, but I didn’t know to tell them I was using them). I went through countless tests to try to figure out why. No answers. I would see well-meaning doctors who didn’t know, but only made matters worse by prescribing me more steroids. 

Coming off Steroids 

After four years of using this product and struggling off and on with the symptoms listed above, I went in to buy it again. Even going a short time without the cream (or steroid), my skin would become very red, itchy and bumpy. I remember this day vividly- this time was much different than any other time of purchasing control cream by Mario Badescu. This time it didn’t soothe as it normally did. Instead, it immediately burned and irritated my skin, much like it did when using other products I would try (ones without steroids). I didn’t know then, but it was at this very time, a Korean laboratory decided to investigate the true ingredients to this well- known, holy grail product, and they found it contained two medical grade steroids. Mario Badescu had been exposed and as a result had removed all steroids from this cream.

Since I no longer had the product that contained steroids, my skin and all the other symptoms I mentioned before got even worse. At this time, I was planning my wedding..and slightly freaking out that my skin was going even more crazy. I tried keeping my focus on the joy and excitement of this time, but I had this huge distraction of trying to figure it all out. I was pouring over tons of information trying desperately to figure out why my body was reacting this way. I thought it was my breast implants (more on that here), went on countless diet detoxes, elimination diets, gut cleansing diets, used natural remedies, switched to all natural products, ate gluten free, dairy free, non-gmo, tried to avoid any and all possible allergens… I exhausted myself and all the possibilities, nothing worked. In order to “help” and get me through my wedding, Doctors prescribed me more steroids.

*** As a side note, in the process, I did find some extremely valuable information about GMO products, gluten, and soy (will add links soon), and many positives about going dairy free, etc. While this information didn’t resolve my issues at hand they did help me with some minor digestive things I had going on for years. It also played a role in my mom going gluten free and healing from Crohn’s disease! Incredible story that I will share here soon).***

After my wedding and honeymoon, I knew I had to get to the root and get off the Doctor prescribed steroids. Each time I came off of them my symptoms were intensified. I would go back to the Doctors and they would prescribe more steroids, including oral steroids that only set fuel to an already blazing fire. Soon after we were married I got pregnant with our first child, a precious baby boy and I knew being on steroids wasn’t good to use while pregnant…so I stopped using them completely. I didn’t realize at the time but it was going to be the first time in 4 1/2 years that I would have stopped using steroids completely for an extended period of time. 

I went through horrendous withdraw symptoms that caused my life to come to a complete halt. It was as though my skin (nearly head to toe) had been burned, it was raw, swollen, and painful to move any part of my body. The most intense itching you can imagine and oozing enough to change my shirt several times a day and sheets every night. This was followed by extreme tightened and dry skin like I had never known existed. The slightest movement would be so painful, my skin would crack open and bleed from being so tight. Then I would cycle through peeling and shedding significant measurable amounts of layers of skin. And then as it would start to heal, it would repeat through those cycles, over and over again. Our vows “through sickness and in health” were immediately tested from the start of our marriage. My husband (Rich) and my mom had to care for me, cook for me, clean for me, everything. Never had I ever felt so helpless.

Once again I began a relentlessly researching trying desperately to figure out why my body was reacting this way. I went on gut healing diets, tried numerous supplements, bathed in apple cider vinegar and essential oils, ate a clean diet, went to extremes to avoid any and all possible allergens… again, exhausting myself and all the possibilities, and still nothing made it stop. For a while, I quarantined to one sterile room in efforts to try to keep me from possible allergens that were possibly “causing” this heinous reaction. Months later, things improved only to follow the same reactions all over again and again. A couple weeks of feeling like I could be healing, to a sudden jolt of intense symptoms. Since I didn’t realize I was going through topical steroid withdrawal, at any sign of improvement, I rushed back into life trying desperately to live normally. At any sign of healing, I pushed myself to pick up all the pieces. I just wanted things to be normal again so badly, and constantly felt robbed of time. I wanted to enjoy newly wed life.. I wanted to enjoy all the things that came with pregnancy and preparing for a first baby arrival... Rich and I tried so hard to make the best of the situation, and we were determined to trust God through it all. We were determined to believe God who had already promised healing and who restores and causes all things to work together for good. We were determined to praise Him through our darkest nights. We pressed into the heart of God like never before and cried rivers of tears while feeling the weight of the greatest suffering we had ever endured. His presence was literally the only place we found rest or peace. Physically, I felt as though I had forgotten what rest and comfort felt like. Praying for relief, deliverance, comfort and rest became my constant prayer. During this season we decided to name our son Judah, which means “praise,” because never before had our worship meant more. (More on praising through hardship on the blog coming soon).

After Judah was born.. I was still having flares but began to use steroids again to keep symptoms at bay. I would still struggle with symptoms even when using steroids because I tried to be minimal in my usage and my body had become so “accustomed” to the large quantities of steroids I had previously been on (unknowingly). Still feeling robbed of time.. and simple joys of laying my baby on my chest (it hurt too bad to do that for too long), taking walks during tempertures that were too hot or too cold (skin still sensitive to cold and heat). Years passed and I was still struggling (I would go off and on steroids), some months I would go through intense flares where I would disappear again, suffer through, and then plunge back into life when I got the chance. Over and over again this went on. I would be good for a couple days/weeks.. and would be hit again and all life would come to a halt, plans would get cancelled, I would miss events, weddings, and parties… I was incredibly miserable physically.. but also emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I struggled so much to keep my faith… asking God all the questions we do when we don’t understand things that happen to us. There were times I thought the war was over for a small period of time just for the harsh reality to hit by another cold blooded flare. 

Physical suffering has a way of testing you on all sides.. I experienced depression, anxiety and fear like I never had before (more on working these things out on the blog soon)…

The vicious cycle continued off and on as I was pregnant with my second precious baby, and after having her, I had been going through it all for 4 years now…I was so sad and worn down..Tired of fighting the same battle with little to no answers. I laid awake in bed crying out to God. Pleading with him like I had many many other times… for answers… for healing… for help. But this particular night, as I laid in stillness- He led me to truth. The thought popped into my mind- Mario Badescu Control Cream- why did they reformulate in the first place.. so I picked up my phone and typed into google “did Mario Badescu Control cream reformulate” and there it was. “Have you been injured.” Lawsuits of finding unlabeled potent medical grade steroids hidden and wreaking havoc on others skin and health. After years of suffering, researching, praying, digging and agonizing with no concrete answers… years of feeling like a strange alien, or Job from the Bible, finally all the answers were right there in front of me .  I found ITSAN.org  that explained the condition the steroids had caused and I found other people who had experienced the same hell that I had. I cried and cried and cried as I read countless stories that were just like mine. Finally, I didn’t feel like an alien. I wasn’t crazy. This wasn’t just an insane allergen induced rash/reaction that would never end. This was hell and it had a name. Topical Steroid Withdrawal. 

I’d love to say that this is where the story gets bright and cheery and the end of my suffering started here. In some ways, yes it was the beginning to full healing because at that point I knew I had to do the very hard thing again of stopping the doctor prescribed steroids because now I knew it was only prolonging my suffering and full healing. I was terrified. I knew now what it was going to entail to go off steroids again. Once I did, the intense “flares” began again..and again. And I clung to Jesus, my family, and the hope of promised healing. 

In 2017, I continued to battle and revisited some other factors that could be contributing to my health. Breast implants (more on how the can affect your health here). On my journey, I became very aware and conscious of every unnatural thing that I put on and in my body- including the foreign object of breast implants that was loaded with chemicals. So I scheduled for an explant. She was very aware of what Topical Steroid Withdrawal was and she was very clear with me on what symptoms she felt were solely from the steroids, and what symptoms were also related to the implants (brain fog, anxiety, both also symptoms of TSW). I had such high hopes that the surgery was going to be just what my body needed to finally put this all behind me and fully heal.  Unfortunately, part of the procedure included an intravenous steroid to be given during surgery… And so while I did feel a lot of improvement in anxiety and brain fog after surgery, because of the intravenous steroids— I began to experience intense flares again and it ultimately set me back to repeat the cycle of miserable, isolated, and feeling as though my life was put on hold. 

Again, I would start to see the light at the end of the tunnel some months.. with a rude awakening that the nightmare wasn’t yet over. I constantly felt as though I would take one step forward and then 10 steps back. I struggled so much with trying to keep my faith and became so weary at times, wrestling with all the hard questions we sometimes bury deep within or that we are too afraid to speak out or pray out loud. I began reading” Hope in The Dark” by Craig Groechel and found myself in a battle to keep trusting Him through it all. There were a lot of emotions that came up with the longevity of this trial. I felt numb, sad, depressed, and felt like I lost myself along the way. So if you are currently enduring TSW, or some other trial- know that even if the results you desperately want to see aren’t there- even if you feel completely and utterly alone in your suffering. That He is there. He never ever leaves our side. Keep believing, and dig your heels into the ground of faith and trust, and refuse to let go of Him. Know that when everything around you is awful and bleak- that He is altogether good. Know that He is for you. Know that this season will not go in vain. So long as you give the Potter every bit of your broken pieces. Trust Him even when it hurts (more on trusting God here). I was told later once finding out about the undisclosed steroids that having perfectly healthy babies under those types of conditions was an absolute miracle. One doctor in particular looked at me and said, “its an absolute miracle that you survived this, your body was under tremendous stress being overdosed with that amount of steroids on a daily basis for that many years. It’s a miracle you survived this, that they survived this and that you have not one but two perfectly healthy babies.”

“Please do not get pregnant again until we run tests and make sure your body is healthy and able to carry another child.”  I remember being so overwhelmed and humbled with gratitude. So thankful that Gods hand and protection was on me and my precious babies. Although at that time I had no intention of getting pregnant in my heart and mind I dismissed what he had said and thought to myself, what God did then He will and would do again. If I get pregnant again I wont live in fear but in faith knowing He will protect me and my baby just as He did before. 

After two more years of flare ups, I slowly began to realize the war was finally over. February of 2020, marked what would be my last major flare up. So as all the world entered into Covid year- I personally was entering into my best year since 2013. While everyone was feeling the most isolated and alone than they had ever felt, I was feeling more free and alive than I had in years. As a family, we entered into a season of healing, rest, restoration, and peace. Even though the world was in chaos… for our little family of four- it was our very best year yet.. Not only was I better physically, Covid provided us time to slow down, and to recover from all that we had been through.  I went from not going a full two months without a flare up- to not having a flare for a full 18 months! A year and 6 months with NO FLARES!!! So after 7 long, grueling years— I was FINALLY HEALED!  I cry at the reality of this out right now. Because for 7 years I wondered when I would get to say those words- and them not only be something I repeated in faith as I did for all those years— but for the day they would be manifested and become my reality “I AM HEALED IN JESUS NAME.” And through that process- God was also using this trial to surface things inside my heart that needed healing. His promised healing was way more than skin deep. His healing reached the very core of my soul. He is too good to not cause ALL THINGS to work together for our good and His purposes. 

It did take me a while to process that it was over. For the first several months I would brace myself and tiptoe to the next week, wondering if another flare was around the corner. I had a lot of PTSD symptoms that I needed to heal from. But once I was fully convinced, I went full force back into life as I knew it before including how I ate prior to steroids (Gluten and dairy). And after a few months of that, my body yelled loud and clear that it didn’t appreciate the excess of my inflammatory food choices. It took me about 3 to 4 months to recover fully from that flare- but even still- it was NOT anything like the flares of the past.. For a few weeks it was a huge reminder and trigger for what I had been through for so long before.. but it also highlighted how incredibly grateful I was that I would never have to go through the intensity of flares I had before.. thankfully it only slightly disrupted my life/changed my plans for the first month or two of those months. After returning to a clean, gluten free, dairy free and high vegetable diet- I was once again fully healed. I’ve had to accept the truth about gluten and dairy that I had already known.. and I still keep believing my body will be able to tolerate dairy and other inflammatory foods in moderation again one day.

After going through all this, I walked in as one person and have walked out of it a completely different human being. I appreciate deeply the small moments in life. A walk with my husband and kids, the ability to snuggle them close without it bringing discomfort to my skin. The sound of birds singing in the morning. Mornings for years were so hard- and now— I love mornings again and my heart sings a new song along with those sweet precious birds. I will never be the same. And I’m deeply grateful for that.

If you are currently going through TSW or about to stop steroids and bracing yourself for the journey ahead, please reach out and know I and so many others are here to support you, pray with you and for you! You are stronger and more resilient than you think. You can do this! There is healing on the other side of the nightmare. Don’t lose hope, you will get through this!